Emotional agility: pause, name, and choose

At work and in life, we often face situations that trigger immediate emotional reactions – whether it’s receiving unexpected feedback, managing tight deadlines, or navigating challenging relationships. These reactions, though natural, can sometimes lead us to act impulsively, making the situation worse. Emotional agility is the skill of pausing and then choosing a response that aligns with your goals and values.

Often, our immediate, automatic reactions take control before we have a chance to reflect, making it feel as though our emotions dictate our behaviour. However, by pausing briefly between the trigger and our response, we can transform a potentially disruptive ‘instinctive’ emotional reaction to a more thoughtful and purposeful response.

It’s about recognising that we have a choice in how we respond to ‘triggering’ situations. 

Practical techniques for building emotional agility

Here are some techniques to help you pause, reflect, and respond constructively:

Breathing:

Before you respond, take a couple of deep, deliberate breaths. This simple act helps calm your mind and body (moving it from ‘fight or flight’ mode into ‘rest and digest’), reducing the intensity of your initial reaction.

Count to three:

After someone finishes speaking, silently count to three. This small delay gives you a moment to gather your thoughts and consider your response, rather than reacting on impulse.  And such pauses don’t make you look weird(!): they convey confidence and thoughtfulness. 

Repeat or paraphrase:

If you need a bit more time, repeat the question or paraphrase what you’ve heard. This not only buys you extra seconds but also confirms your understanding of the conversation.

Name your emotion:

Take a moment to observe and name your emotion (out loud or internally depending on the circumstances) – maybe you’re feeling frustration, anxiety, or disappointment.  The act of naming the emotion helps you reduce its emotional intensity, and improves your ability to self-regulate. And this pause helps you realise that you are not bound by your initial reaction: you have a choice in how you proceed.

When naming your emotions, take care to express it as a ‘feeling’ as in ‘I feel worried’ rather than an identity statement like ‘I am anxious’.  This approach emphasises that the emotion is a current, temporary, experience, not a defining characteristic of your identity, thereby maintaining your sense of control.

The “STOP” method

Pulling this together, you can try the STOP method:

• S: Stop: Pause immediately when you notice a strong emotional reaction.
• T: Take a Breath: Focus on your breathing to help steady yourself.
• O: Observe: Notice your feelings and physical sensations without judgment.
• P: Proceed mindfully: Decide on a response that reflects your values and objectives rather than reacting impulsively.

Make It a Habit

Incorporate these techniques into your everyday interactions. The more you practice pausing before responding – whether during meetings, emails, or casual conversations – the more naturally this process will integrate into your communication style.

Why It matters

Developing emotional agility is not about suppressing your emotions; it’s about understanding them so that they don’t unhelpfully dictate your actions. When we fail to acknowledge what we’re feeling, we can feel powerless and reactive. Conversely, by identifying and expressing our emotions, we gain the clarity to choose responses that are constructive and aligned with our goals.

Consider a scenario where a colleague has missed an important deadline.  Instead of immediately expressing frustration, pausing to take a breath, naming your frustration (maybe internally), and then assessing the situation allows you to respond calmly, rather than escalating the problem.  This approach not only diffuses tension but also demonstrates your leadership skills and fosters a more collaborative, solution-oriented approach.

By developing these habits, you create space to engage more thoughtfully with challenges. Over time, this practice can lead to a significant shift in how you handle stress and make decisions, ultimately contributing to a more balanced and productive work life.