What’s your name again?

Remembering people’s names is a vital skill in building new relationships.  Whether it’s a work or social situation, when you remember someone’s name it shows the other person you care and helps make your first impression a good one.  Because it feels really nice when someone remembers your name, doesn’t it – it makes you feel special and it makes you more predisposed to like and trust the person who remembered it.  So be that likeable, trustworthy person!

Remembering names isn’t a thing you should just write off as something you’re not very good at – it’s a skill you can build.  Here’s a few tips on how to do it. 

1. Focus.  The first point to note about when we forget names is that often it’s not a memory problem at all: it’s a focus problem.  When we meet someone new, there’s often multiple other things going on, both in your own head and externally, so we’re not focusing properly when we hear the other person’s name.  So that’s the first tip – make it a conscious priority to focus on the person’s name when it’s being said.

2. Repeat.  Repeat the person’s name out loud.  If Tallulah introduces herself, you can say “Tallulah, lovely to meet you”.

3. Comment.  If appropriate, you can make a nice comment about the name – “I’ve never met a Tallulah before; what a beautiful name.”  But only do this step if a comment comes naturally.  Don’t be creepy!

4. Repeat internally.  You can then repeat the name a few times silently to yourself, and if you’re a visual person, you can also visualise their name – see it written in letters inside your own head.  You can even ask the person to spell their name for you if you’re unclear on the spelling. 

5. Mental association.  The next, and most powerful, step is to make a mental visual association between the name and something memorable to you. This draws on the idea that we are often wired to remember visuals more than words.  And let your imagination run wild with this step, because exaggerated, bizarre and comic images work best.  So if you’re meeting a Claire, you might imagine her holding a giant chocolate eclair in her hand.  If it’s Michelle and you already know a Michelle, visualise the new Michelle sitting on a table with your friend Michelle – or with a famous person of the same name, like Michelle Obama.  You can also create a rhyme – so if it’s Jeff, you can think of Jeff the Chef, and imagine him in an oversized chef’s hat. The other person will never know your image so just make it something memorable for you.  

6. Repeat again. Repeat the person’s name again at the end of the conversation when you say goodbye to them.  This really locks the name in to your longer term memory, and it also makes the other person feel good.  When we hear our own name it tends to give us a little hit of dopamine, one of our feel-good hormones – so when you repeat your new acquaintance’s name at the end of your interaction, you’re both showing that person you care enough to remember their name and you’re making them feel good. 

7. Write it down. When you come away from the conversation you can write their name down in your phone or a notebook, together with your mental association and the place you met them.  It’s also a great idea to write down a couple of facts about this new acquaintance that you can feed in the next time you speak to them – people love it when you remember things about them as well as their name.  If they have children and have shared their names, that’s particularly special so do make a note of those.  

Remembering people’s names is a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice.  And, like any skill, you might sometimes slip up.  The worst thing you can do, when put on the spot to remember a name, is to try. The brain’s prefrontal cortex, which deals with focus, reasoning and memory, starts to shut down under pressure. So if possible, give yourself a moment to relax and the name will hopefully come to you.  However, if you’ve really forgotten someone’s name (and there’s no one else around to remind you), just be honest about it.  Everyone forgets.  You can just say  “Your name’s slipped my mind, tell me what it is again and I’ll remember it this time!” or make a joke.  And then if you build good rapport with the person, you’re more likely to remember their name the next time round.

Sarah Cookson

Personal development and team building